In a world where the only thing more volatile than the stock market is your uncle's opinions at Thanksgiving, corporate overlords are laughing all the way to the blockchain. Yes, dear readers, while the rest of us mere mortals are busy devolving into planned obsolescence—courtesy of AI that's smarter than us and automation that's stealing our jobs faster than a toddler swipes candy—bigwigs are turning societal collapse into their personal piggy banks. But hold onto your wallets (or whatever's left of them), because the latest scam du jour is gold-backed crypto. Or is it crypto-backed gold? Either way, it's fool's gold for the fools who buy in.

Picture this: Fort Knox, once the impregnable fortress of America's shiny yellow reserves, is now being eyed as prime real estate for a mega-cow stable. Why? Because, as one anonymous hedge fund manager whispered to us over a kale smoothie, "Butter's about to outpace gold, baby. Things are cow-hairy right now—literally. With climate chaos turning farms into dust bowls and supply chains snapping like overcooked spaghetti, dairy's the new darling. Gold? Pfft, that's so 1849. Butter's got that creamy tangibility; you can spread it on toast while the world burns."

Ah, the sweet irony of transhumanist singularity gravity pulling us all into a black hole of irrelevance. Remember when humans produced things? Like, actual stuff with our hands? Those days are as gone as dial-up internet. Now, automation handles the heavy lifting, and AI does the thinking—because why bother evolving your brain when Suri can Googel it for you? Corporate leaders, those visionary vultures, are profiting handsomely from this slide. They're the ones peddling the narrative that we're all just stepping stones on a terrain pockmarked with production holes, filled by an ever-increasing army of air-heads who couldn't tell a shovel from an axe.

"Planned obsolescence isn't just for myPhones anymore," quipped tech tycoon Harlan "The Harbinger" Hargrove in a recent TED Talk that doubled as a sales pitch for his new app, ObsolesceMe. "Humans are the ultimate upgradeable product. We're phasing you out for something sleeker, faster, and less prone to unionizing. Embrace the singularity—or get left in the dust with your rotary phone and your dignity."

But fear not, survivalists and skeptics! While the elite hoard their digital doubloons and precious metals (which, let's face it, won't buy you a loaf of bread when the grid goes kaput), the real smart money is on... well, actual money you can eat. Or at least trade for food. If you can't grow your own kale (and who can, with soil that's more chemicals than dirt?), better buddy up with someone who can. Community gardens are the new bunkers, folks. When societal structures are engineered to fail—courtesy of those same corporate geniuses who profit from the fallout—we'll need to band together like a ragtag militia of backyard farmers.

And a word to the wise: Those who pin their hopes solely on currency that's as controllable as a puppet on strings? You'll be marked, alright—marked for the scrap heap of history. In the grand scheme of devolution, the blockchain might promise decentralization, but it's just another leash held by the suits. So, stock up on seeds, learn to churn butter, and laugh in the face of the apocalypse. After all, in a world where gold-backed crypto is the emperor's new clothes, at least butter's got substance. Spread the word—or better yet, spread it on your survival biscuits.